The problem with loving your home so much, and the people that make it home, is never wanting to leave. The fear of missing new experiences that will shape the people I care about clouds my head as I plan for my upcoming trips. I’m afraid of returning and no longer relating to my family and friends, no longer understanding inside-jokes, and no longer having the ability to think back to a moment that draws everyone closer. But somehow, the thought of not traveling, even alone, feels unsatisfying, like I’m not fulfilling what some would call my destiny, or fate. Ugh, I feel like a loser either way… After one of my trips abroad, I wrote down a prayer that starts as followed: “Lord, I thank you for the opportunity to be in a new place. Every plane ride and every trip helps me understand You, the world around me, and myself better…” Where is this joy and excitement?
Due to my background, I guess you could say that I am a world traveler. I love seeing new places and learning new things that I cannot learn anywhere else. But when does it stop? Does it ever stop? Will I always be away and miss experiences at home? Will I always travel alone? Perhaps I’m over-thinking the consequences, if there are any, of my up-coming trips, but I don’t think they’re completely unrealistic- are they?
Everyone who cares about me continues to sing the same song: “You will love traveling alone, you are young and will learn so much; it will be amazing!” These people are most likely right, and I will most likely fall in love with every new place that I visit, but life at home doesn’t stop. Maybe it is jealousy I feel of the people that will be here to experience changes and growth with each other. Would I personally grow though? Maybe it takes a little bit more to break my own mold.
What I’m finding is that I want security and promises that everything will remain familiar in my future. However, I should know that without some change, there is no growth. I’m constantly praying for a renewal of heart and to grow into the woman I was created to be, yet I’m refusing His plans for me…? For someone whom people consider smart, I’m behaving very…dumb.
Maybe what I need to do is leave all of my fears in written form and be glad that I have them, for thus I know that I live a good life. I think it’s time to change the tunes in my head and begin singing Because I’m Happy, rather than All By Myself, ha…
I have to realize that going away will only serve to make my life at home even better, and recognize that although the uncertainty about my future drives me crazy at times, it is probably the best thing about my life (right now.) Not knowing where I will be in a few months only allows me to rely on Christ much more than on myself, which knowing me, it is for the best.